Heathens Highway

Sometimes I make porn and stuff. Sometimes I just ramble.

Category Archives for: Keepin It Real

Uhhh… Lunch?

26 March 2006 by dwb

I have no idea what kind of fish this is, but it was our lunch and it was pretty freakin’ nasty.

It wasn’t as bad as the snake blood we drank or the dog we ate, but it was right up there. In fact, if I could have chased this down with snake blood, it would have made my day.

I think maybe it would not have been so bad if I did not have to look at it just sitting there. Serve it to me ready to eat for Christ sake!!! Nobody wants to look at this shit before they eat it. Clean it up and present it in a manner that gives just a small illusion that it is edible.

How do you eat it? You rip off some of the fish, get some greens and some of the other shit on the table, and roll them up in wet rice paper, making some sort of chewy, fishy Mekong river taco.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, On The Road, Vietnam | Tags: ,

Vietnam is hot as hell

25 March 2006 by dwb

Yesterday, the heat index it was 119 degrees. For normal guys like you and me, that is fucking hot.

Seriously, it’s not even funny how hot it was, but I’m going to make a few bad jokes about it anyway.

One could say that the heat burns worse than a bad case of gonorrhea.

Or that it is hotter than a set of rims and a Nelly concert.

Others may say that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk or simply that it is a scorcher.

I prefer “hot as hell.” This would be the most accurate of them all.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, On The Road, Thinking Out Loud, Vietnam | Tags: , ,

Drinking snake blood in Vietnam

24 March 2006 by dwb

Only in Vietnam can you eat a dog and a snake in the same day.

Against our better judgment, we stopped at snake restaurant (yes, they have those here) to buy a snake, kill it, and drink its blood for power. Or something like that.

The crazy looking Vietnamese man who owned the joint took us to the back and let us choose the snake. Of course if we’re going to do this, we’re going big, so we pointed to the biggest looking fucker they had. He said our choice was a poisonous snake, but fuck if I know. When your drinking snake blood, a snake is a snake.

All I can really say about what happened here is that it’s all fun and games until you almost vomit and snake blood literally shoots out of your nose as you gag. It’s not a pleasant experience, trust me on this one.

The blue pill looking thing you see in one of the photos below is the snake’s gall bladder. Yea, really. The person who pays for the snake is the lucky fuck who gets to eat it. Sometimes it sucks ass being the boss. And while you don’t actually chew the gal bladder, you just swallow it with a drink of blood. Then you can take the rest of the snake home to skin and eat the meat.

I passed on the gall bladder and gave the meat to my Vietnamese friend. I gotta draw the line somewhere. We were only here for the snake blood, and that’s as far as either one of us are willing to go today.

What does it taste like? Well, they mix the snake blood with rice wine so it has a little bit of an alcohol taste, but make no mistake about it, you clearly taste the blood. Ever have your nose busted and had the blood pour down your throat? Remember that taste? It’s like that, plus rice wine, plus snake funk, with just a hint of good old fashioned Vietnamese communism.

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There are more photos of this, but Bin took them and his camera was stolen a few hours later. Yea, really. I just snapped these on my camera. Now I’m wishing I had shot them all.

Leave a comment | Categories: Drink Recipes, Keepin It Real, On The Road, Preposterousness, Pure Awesomeness, Vietnam, What The Fuck | Tags: , , ,

Hollywood crack motel

02 March 2006 by dwb

11:12am – Someone starts banging at my door at the crack hotel I’m staying in. Since I did not go to sleep until 7am, there had better be news of death or world destruction when I open it.

I was close, it was the Indian that was put on this earth to make my life in LA a living hell.

This twinkle toed cock sucker tells me that my “time is up” and that I needed to “take a break” and come back tomorrow. When he first told me this was going to happen 6 days ago I thought he was joking just to get a rise out of me. It turns out he was a serious as a case of dick cancer.

So I’m standing butt ass naked in the doorway of this shitty place trying to explain to this odd looking person that it is a motel and that motels make money by filling them to capacity as often as they can. Since I was literally the only person staying in the hotel for the past few days, I then went into detail explaining to him how poorly they conducted business.

It all fell of deaf ears because second I was done speaking, he told me to give him the key and he would see me tomorrow.

I laughed and tried to explain to him that once I leave and check into another place, I will not be returning. His reply was “very well, I will see you tomorrow then” and then walked of with the key.

After watching him wobble away, I packed up, left, and moved to another crack hotel down the street which is also operated by Indians. Just all part of the cosmic joke I guess. If they start with me, I will shit all over the room and move to the Extended Stay 20 minutes away.

Right about now you are wondering, “why in the fuck is he staying in crack motels?”

The answer is simple. I can sleep anywhere, and these crack motels just happen to be a one minute drive from our office. To stay in a nicer place, I would have to drive 20 minutes, which is not a big deal in the afternoon, but after you’ve been working all day and night, the last thing I want to do is drive any distance at 5am as I’m falling asleep. If I only use the room to shit, shower, shave, and sleep, it serves it purpose. But the Indians have to go.

The good news is, I believe a Motel 8 is being built just around the corner. I’m looking forward to staying there.

Hell is… trying to get a full eight hours sleep in an Indian owned crack motel.

Leave a comment | Categories: Hell Is:, Keepin It Real, On The Road | Tags: , ,

Crack hotel blues

24 February 2006 by dwb

As I mentioned before, I’m staying at a crack hotel in North Hollywood. Not that I can’t afford a better place, well maybe I can’t, but its right down the street from where I am working 18 hour days getting these new sites and affiliate program off the ground.

The Indians who run my hotel are fucking with me almost daily. The will only let me pay for two days at a time and then call me at 11am to come down to pay more on the third day, after I did not go to bed until 6 or 7am and have asked them repeatedly to not bother me until 3pm. I spoke to the manager and he said he would let me pay one week at a time now, so today that is what I attempted to do.

I told the Indian working there that I was going to stay for two more weeks now because my job was taking longer than planned. He told me with a straight face that I can not stay for two consecutive weeks and that I could only stay for one week, then I would have to check out for one full day and then come back the next day to stay the second  week.

He didn’t look like he was fucking with me, but anything is possible. It’s hard to trust a guy who is talking to you and at the same time his head is moving like a wobble doll.

I’m already aggravated with these people so I just say “OK” and try to pay for the week. Not so fast! He will only let me pay for six days and not the full week! That’s a day short for those of you with a learning disability.

Maybe he is fucking with me.

It’s too close to the office and I am too lazy to change hotels right this minute, so if I don’t murder him, I’m going to have to put up with his shit.

One thing that I have been doing, since he has been terrorizing me, is every morning when I roll in around 6 or 7am and he is still sleeping in the office, I wake him up. I make up an excuse to need him. Toilet paper, soap, towels… what ever. I just wake that asshole up every chance I get for the non-sense he is putting me through.

I wish I had my camera with me or I would show you some pics of this shit hole and the numb nut Indians running the joint.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I may kill him tonight. I’ll let you know how it works out.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, On The Road, Thinking Out Loud, What The Fuck | Tags: , ,

Taco Bell ass wiper

18 February 2006 by dwb

We were at Taco Bell tonight, eating healthy like we always do, and this old guy walks up to us and comments on how cold it was.

He looked like he could be homeless, insane at the very least. Whatever he was, he was one of “those” guys.

We acknowledge his comment with a friendly nod and he starts to walk away, ripping a very loud, wet fart as he does. It stops him dead in his tracks.

So there we are waiting on our food, and this guy who just sharted, walks up to the counter, grabs some napkins and wipes his shitty ass right there in front of everyone. He looks at the napkin, sees the shit, then tosses it in the trash bin. Fucking nasty ass old crazy fuck.

I don’t know which is more disturbing, the fact that he just shit himself and wiped his ass in front of everyone, or the fact that nobody seemed to care that he did.

Speaking of nasty fucks, I have been staying at a crack motel. I have been there a week now and I have yet to have my room cleaned, get a new towl or a new roll of toilet paper. The room is complete with full, beat up 1960’s decor. It makes want to hit the pipe and bang street whores. I don’t actually smoke crack, but I will fuck whores in this motel, no doubt about it.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, On The Road, What The Fuck | Tags: , , , , ,

My brazilian whore

28 January 2006 by dwb

Today I found another old photo on my computer that made me laugh. I’ll share the story with you because it’s a funny one.

I was in Brazil with a couple of world class whore mongers two years ago and we ended up in the north in a place called Itapua, which is near Salvador. We were chilling out on the beach one day, drinking up a storm, soaking in the sun and flirting with the girls as they walked by. All locals. We were the only tourists on this beach. It was great.

The girl in the photo was hanging out with us and eventually we ended up back in my room and my raw cock inside of her. Every time she made me cum, she would get me hard again, then get me off, again. She literally drained my balls for two days. We ordered room service when we got hungry, and fucked until we could not fuck anymore. It was glorious.

My Portuguese is limited so I really didn’t know what she was going on about once she started speaking quickly, but on day three, she wanted to go out that night, and that was fine with me. To be honest, I couldn’t fuck anymore.

That night we go out and she keeps trying to take us somewhere in this little town. One road led to another and we ended up in a fairly slummy part of town. Having already been mugged in this town, I was little uneasy, but went along like a moron anyway.

As we got closer, I noticed we were walking up to a whore house. A big one. It had two floors, loud music and photos all over the outside to showcase the girls inside. My girl runs up to the front and points to the largest photo in the group, it is her.

Shit.

My girl, the one I had been raw dogging for two days straight, was the main whore in the entire whore house. She had the biggest photo outside and was apparently the star attraction.

If you’ve ever had one of those “what the fuck have I done” moments, then you know exactly what was going through my head. I had been banging the biggest whore in the entire city without a rubber.

I guess I met her during a holiday, because I never saw her again after that night. All I have to remember her by is this photo, a receipt for Cipro and Zithromax, and the fond memory of drippy dick.

Leave a comment | Categories: Brazil, Keepin It Real, Memories, On The Road, Sex, Whores | Tags: , , , , ,

Porn is forever

23 January 2006 by dwb

I’m really fed up with chicks who shoot a video, then when they get caught by someone they know, call me begging me to remove their videos and photos. It is getting out of hand.

In addition to all the other wack bitches who have done this, I have this black girl on my ass right now because just about everyone she knows found out she was banging a white boy on the internet.

Now… she didn’t care anything about this when she was getting top dollar for a days work. I wanted her so bad I paid her more than some of the girls in LA get. Yea, really. And I shot her two days in a row, so she took home a lot of cash.

She also didn’t care anything about being seen when she called me back the following week wanting to do it again because she needed… more money.

At no time did she care or even think about her friends at that point. All she cared about was getting paid. But once that money is gone, everything changes.

Now that she is busted, she claims her life is ruined, she is ashamed, she doesn’t want to leave the house, everyone at work knows she did it and talks about it every day… yadda, yadda, yadda, ebonics, ebonics, ebonics. I lost track of what she was saying 3/4 of the way through the conversation when she got super ghetto on me. Sorry Dalonda, I don’t speak ebonics.

The first thing I told her was she needed to nip the work shit in the ass. That is sexual harassment. Period. She needs to hire an attorney and go get their ass. I’m sure some ambulance chaser would be all over that one.

Second, I reminded her how she was loving the money she got and had fun spending it. It’s only when your broke and busted do you feel bad for what you did.No one forced you to do anything and you even signed a contract with me. You knew damn good and well what you were doing.

Of course all of that fell on deaf ears.

At this point she is willing to do “anything” she says. And she means anything to get her photos and videos pulled off the internet. That’s all fine and dandy but there is no going back once your image is on the internet. Porn is forever.

Even if I did remove her from my site, there are countless webmasters who use her photos and video samples for promotion. Not to mention how much money those two scenes are really worth. They are worth a lot more than she can afford to buy back from me, which I did give her the option to buy them back at 4x what I paid her to make them. And that was being nice.

I’m not trying to be a dick, but I’m sick of this happening. This is not the first time. They need money so they work, so they work. Then they get caught. Then I’m all of a sudden the dirt bag who is exploiting them. But lets not forget that almost every one of them sells her pussy on the side, as that is usually how I meet them. This girl was a huge ho when I met her.

Part of being an adult is learning to live with the decisions you made in the past, good or bad. Lord knows I have made plenty and would love to have a “do over” or a reset button, but that’s not going to happen. I live with what I have done.

The worst thing about all of this is, when she gets in a pickle again, she will call me wanting to work. Again. Even after all this. That is what they all do. So far, every one who has called me in tears begging for me to remove their photos and videos ALL called me at a later date wanted to shoot again.

There is a common thread among whores. They can’t save money. They spend all the money they have. They will do anything to get more. And most of them date some dead beat who smokes weed all day, plays video games and takes most of her money.

Speaking of video games, anyone see the new Grand Theft Auto? I just saw the tail end of the commercial for it last night. I love that game. It is only there I can beat the shit out of these bitches and not feel bad about it.

Leave a comment | Categories: Drama Factor, Funny Things Whores Say, Keepin It Real, Porno, Sex, Thinking Out Loud, What The Fuck, Whores | Tags: ,

Old school kids

21 January 2006 by dwb

Another gem found on a message board.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a water bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, or X-boxes. We did not have 99 channels on cable, no DVD’s or video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet, no IPods and no MP3 players.

WE HAD FRIENDS . . . we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, Memories, Pure Awesomeness, Something Positive | Tags: ,

White Pimps

18 January 2006 by dwb

White men should not be allowed to attempt to dress like a black pimp, or act like one. In doing so they completely insult The Game and all the real pimps who pimp for a living, and not just dress like one for a party.

NEW RULE:
If you are white, you are not allowed to dress and/or act like a pimp unless you have done at least two of the following:

[   ] You really are a pimp and currently own or have at one time owned a stable of hoes who sell/sold their body for you and gave you at least 1/2 of their money.

[  ] You have ever put a single bitch on the Ho Stroll.

[  ] You have back handed a bitch, followed by the statement, “Bitch, where’s my money?”

[  ] You own a Cadillac, a pimp cane, a pair of either lime green, pink or yellow Gator shoes AND have at least $1000 USD cash in your pocket right now.

[  ] You currently own and operate or have done so in the past, an escort agency.

[  ] You have been arrested at least once for Promoting Prostitution.

Unless two of these apply to you, it is from this day forward illegal for a white man, especially an adult webmaster, to pretend to be a pimp or think he IS a pimp.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real | Tags: , ,

Owned by a deaf, mute hooker

12 January 2006 by dwb

I was told to shut up today by a deaf / mute Thai prostitute. Seriously.

She put her fingers on my lips, squeezing them shut, then used her other hand to motion “no, no, no” with her big finger.

Incredible.

What bothers me the most is, why would she even care? It’s not like she could hear what I was saying. And why in the hell was I trying to talk to her in the first place?

If you haven’t banged a deaf / mute yet, get on it. They make some strange noises.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, Pure Awesomeness, Thailand, Whores | Tags: , , ,

Would you eat these bugs?

08 January 2006 by dwb

How hungry would you have to be to much on these?

Well, if you’re Thai, you may eat these disgusting things like us westerners eat popcorn. But why don’t they just eat popcorn? There is simply no reason, other than you are starving to death, for you to eat any of these.

And yes, I know a scorpion isn’t a “bug” so don’t start.

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Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, Random Photos, Thailand, What The Fuck | Tags: ,

My friend was a sex slave

28 December 2005 by dwb

I’ve known a Thai girl named Fon for a few years and I knew she went to Singapore to work at a hotel, but she came home early. I never knew the real story until last night.

Fon and I have been friends for a while and apparently she has not told anyone what happened and has kept it all bottled up for a long time now. She spent the night with me last night and after a few drinks, she felt comfortable enough to let it all out on me.

Fon was promised a well paying job in Singapore working at a hotel because her English skills are very good and she was willing to travel. When I heard about this I had a bad feeling about it and warned her to make sure that the people she is going to work for were good people and not in the business of trafficking women. Of course she did zero research and left for Singapore.

Upon arrival, Fon was sent to a hotel where they took all of her belongings and rushed her to the street where she was to stand with 100’s of other girls (Geylang) and wait for Johns to pick them up and take them to a cheap sex hotel.

She told them that there was a mistake and that she was not there not be a prostitute. They told her they paid a lot of money for her and that the boss spent money on her plane ticket, visa and hotel room. It was all to be paid back within the first 3 days.

In order to pay this money back, she had to fuck 80 (yes, 80) men for free and her boss would take all of the money. After that, she would then get a couple of bucks per fuck but she would then have to pay that for the room cost and for food.

Fon was trapped in a hellish cycle, forced to have sex as many as 30 times in one day with only 2 – 3 hours of sleep per night. This went on for a month until she met a customer who had a heart and wanted to help her out of the mess she was in.

The customer was able to sneak Fon to the Thai embassy where they helped her get back to Thailand.

Fon was in tears by the end of telling me all of this. She had gone into great detail about how the men would abuse her and sometimes she was forced into having sex with 4 – 5 men at a time and sometimes with boys as young as 12 years old.

She was beaten, starved, and forced to sleep in a filthy room with as many as 20 other girls. This is how she lived for a month.

I sat with her and let her cry on my shoulder for 2 hours until the sun came up.

What do you say to someone after hearing this? I chose to say nothing and just listened to her until she could not speak another word. Today I am still at a loss for words. She is sleeping on my couch as I write this. I don’t think I have ever felt so bad for someone in my life.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, Sex, Singapore, Thinking Out Loud, Whores | Tags: , , , ,

Limp dick ladyboys

17 December 2005 by dwb

Transsexuals often take hormones and this can cause them to have soft cocks. Normally that is not an issue, but when you’re shooting porn, you need a hard cock.

It’s a good thing we have Hicks around to fluff them.

This pic is a snapshot of Hicks doing what he does best. But in this case, nothing was going to get this little ladyboy hard. She was the little ladyboy who thought she could.

She flat out lied to me about being able to get hard and had nothing but a limp baby dick the entire time. It was a wasted time and wasted money, as I make it a point to sell ladyboy porn where all of the ladyboys have hard cocks.

At least Hicks got to suck some dick. After this shoot we went to see King Kong. Made me forget all about limp ladyboy cocks for 3 hours.

Leave a comment | Categories: And Now You Know, Keepin It Real, On The Road, Porno, Shemales, Thailand, Whores | Tags: , , ,

Hard cocks

11 November 2005 by dwb

Why is it so difficult to find a big hard cock in this business? When your looking for new guys, 99% of them won’t even show up to meet you after you waste your time talking to them for weeks. Then, out of the guys who do show up, lets say 10 guys, maybe 2 of them can get the job done. And that is a big maybe.

I’ve never understood why guys can’t get wood on sets. I know seasoned male strippers who can get wood on command during private parties in front of a room full of ugly white trash women, but put them in front of a camera and it’s limp dick city. A crane could not life their useless cocks.

I have wasted more time dealing with wanna be porn studs than I have with anything else. I mean a true waste of time. Who would of thought that the most difficult part of making porn was finding guys with hard dicks to perform? I’ve said it once and I’ve said it a hundred times, without a solid male performer you don’t have shit. Find a good male fuck monkey and 90% of your worries are over.

Leave a comment | Categories: Keepin It Real, Porno, Thinking Out Loud | Tags: , ,

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